Through Fear and Sorrow
by missk14
Summary: (AU S1 into S2) With her father's announcement of war still fresh in her mind, Mary searches the crowd for the one person she wants comfort from, the one person she loves more than anyone. But will he be there for her, or will she lose him for good?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** After copulas amounts of ink and scrap paper, listening to various songs and multiple season one and two re-watches...here it is! My very first Downton Abbey fic :) I'll admit, I was quite excited to write this and I've been wanting to write a story for ages but I've just not been able to find the kind of story I wanted to write. This story was inspired by the end of season one and the fact that there is a gap of a year between the end of S1 and the start of S2- it will follow Matthew and Mary throughout that time, it'll probably be slightly AU and will most likely go through to season 2 as well :) A big thankyou goes to oiseaus for reading through this chapter and for her telling me to publish, and just being generally awesome when it came to my attempting to write a DA fic.

This is my _first _DA fic so please read and review, let me know what you think and above all- ENJOY! :) xxx

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**Chapter One.**

_"… I very much regret to announce that we are at war with Germany…"_

An eerie silence swept over the grounds and for a moment all one could hear was the soft rippling of the summer breeze through the trees, Lord Grantham's words still echoing in their ears. The foundations of their world as they knew it had begun to crumble and fall right from beneath their feet the moment the words left his mouth. The prospect of war being fought on their back doorstep was daunting and it sent chills through them.

The pain in Mary's heart was still fresh from learning moments earlier that Matthew would be leaving Downton behind and returning to Manchester. But whether it was coincidence or pure instinct the moment she heard that there was an impending war her eyes scanned the crowd for him. Part of her knew it was in vain, he didn't want to see her, that he'd made quite clear. But still she looked for him even though it had the potential to worsen the sting that was piercing through her chest.

She'd not wanted wake up that morning when Anna had come in to open the curtains. Mary had wanted to bury herself beneath the covers and dream the day away; pretending that she didn't have to face Matthew and the disappointment she knew his eyes would carry. In looking for him across the crowd Mary briefly laid eyes on her Aunt Rosamund and found herself fill ever so slightly with resentment for the woman whose advice she knew she never should've listened to.

And then she saw him; his blue eyes seemed a shade darker now, Mary couldn't quite tell whether it was out of sheer disbelief at the news they'd all received or if it was because she had changed him. The guilt overtook her and she found it easier to believe that she was the sole cause of the unhappiness she saw in him. It deepened the pain she felt when Mary began to dwell on the notion that she had made Matthew so miserable.

...

Matthew caught Mary's gaze from across the lawn and tried desperately to look away. He was angry at her, he wouldn't deny it but he despised himself more. Matthew felt a fool for allowing himself to fall for her. Matthew had always been so determined not to do anything he didn't want to; upon his arrival at Downton almost two years earlier he had been certain that the Crawley's would push one of their daughters and him and he was adamant that he would not allow them to do so.

But from the moment Lady Mary Crawley had walked into his life he had been powerless against her. Matthew was angry now, that he'd not been strong enough to stop himself from falling in love. In the beginning, although fearful, he relished the idea. He'd witnessed the love his mother and father had had for each other and wanted nothing more than to find a woman and feel it for himself.

But Mary was different, she came from a different world and he was only just beginning to realise the extent of their differences. The class divide was always going to come between them no matter how much he wished otherwise. Matthew didn't want to hear her stories, her explanations or her pleas for his understanding. And he only had to look into her eyes for a moment to know that she wanted to speak with him.

But he couldn't bear it, the thought of listening to her voice was agonising. It was time to move on with his life, Mary didn't want him and he didn't want to be near her for a moment longer than he had to.

"Where are you going Matthew?" Matthew turned back around to see his mother looking at him

"Home. I'll see you back there later Mother. Please give my apologies to Lord and Lady Grantham." He tipped his hat at her and made his way down the path. Matthew fought back the urge to look back, it was hard, and he felt as though there was a sort magnetic pull dragging him towards Mary. But he ignored it, for all the pain it caused him he pretended as though it wasn't there and kept walking.

He didn't care to give his mother an explanation for his sudden departure, and he knew she was certain to demand one. Never in his life had Matthew Crawley known his mother not to request he give her an explanation for his actions. He loved his mother but he was not looking forward to seeing her later on, Matthew didn't want to think about Mary let alone talk about her. It hurt him too much.

...

The guests at the party dispersed not long after, no one was in the mood for socialising, not since the mood had been dampened considerably. Silence had consumed them all and no one dared speak for fear that they would have to confront their worst fears. The rumour had been floating around for months that a war was coming but none of them dared believe it.

It should've frightened her, Mary thought, as she stood at her bedroom window gazing out onto the now deserted lawn. She should have been terrified at the thought that something so terrible could be so close. But she couldn't be, she could think of Matthew and nothing else.

Mary felt faintness sweep over her in a wave and she leant on the window frame for support. She didn't want to face the looming disaster without Matthew by her side, without him to hold her close and whisper words of comfort. Mary had spent her entire life building up walls and the moment Matthew had walked into her life she'd begun to let them down. He had been the only person to ever get close to her.

She wiped away the tears that had started to spill down her cheeks, hearing a soft rapping on her bedroom door before it clicked open "Mary mama wanted me to see…Mary?"

Mary didn't turn to face her sister, she couldn't, and she didn't want to face anyone except Matthew. Her shoulders hunched over slightly and her arms wrapped around tight to shield her from the troubles of the world.

"Oh Sybil…" Mary sobbed quietly, feeling the gentle weight of her sister's hand on her shoulder

...

Matthew sat at his writing desk, twirling the fountain pen aimlessly between his thumb and forefinger. The piece of paper in front of him had not a drop of ink scribbled on it in the hour he had been sitting down. He was determined to get back to Manchester as soon as possible, but how he was to articulate that to his old law firm he hadn't quite figured out. An unexpected letter asking for a swift reply and acceptance would take them by surprise and the announcement of the war had surely complicated things.

But another moment spent in Downton was more than he could handle. He ran a tired hand over his forehead and through his hair, a sigh of exasperation escaping his lips. There was no certainty that his old law firm or any other law firm would have him on board at such short notice. Matthew's contemplation drifted as he looked out the window, a few white fluffy clouds intruding on an otherwise crystal clear blue sky.

Frustration consumed him and Matthew scrunched up the piece of paper and clenched it in his fist; he couldn't write, not now, he needed more time.

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_**a/n:** So there we have it, chapter one! I do hope you enjoyed it, and don't forget to tell me what you think of it :) Will Matthew go back to Manchester? And what has Mary said to Sybil? And of course, what is to be of our favourite pairing... till next time lovelies! :)_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Firstly I owe you all a HUGE HUGE HUGE apology! I cannot believe it has been SO long since I've updated this but it really has taken me that long (about a month I counted) to write it, I re wrote this chapter over and over again but eventually I got it done and here it is for you :) Secondly I wanted to thank you all so much for reading this, reviewing and following it too :) It truly means a lot and I do appreciate it very much :). I'm really enjoying this story and I hope you do too.

It was pointed out by someone in their review we in fact miss two years from the end of Season 1 to the start of Season 2 when I had stated that there was only a year gap. On this point, firstly thankyou to said reviewer! :) It was poor wording on my part when I mentioned it; what I meant when I said that I was hoping to cover a one year gap (I was hoping too but this story is already changing away from what I had originally planned but don't you just love it as a writer when the story and it's characters take on a life of their own. It's so exciting!) was that we missed one whole year in it's entirety. Season 1 ended in mid 1914 and Season 2 begins in 1916 (okay so I just checked and it begins in November of 1916 so that's more time missed than I thought but anywhoo haha) so we miss one full year, that year being 1915. And I was always curious as to what transpired between Matthew and Mary in that time given their reactions to seeing each other when Season 2 kicked off.

And a special mention (and HUGE thankyou) to oiseaus for reading through this chapter as well :)

Anyway enough of me rambling on and on and on... here is chapter 2 and I do hope you enjoy it :) Keep reading :) xx

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**Chapter Two.**

Mary stared deeply at her own reflection in the mirror long after Anna had finished getting her ready. Her face seemed thinner, her cheekbones more defined and her eyes still held a tinge of red about them from the tears she'd shed just hours before. She'd seen the same picture every morning for near on two weeks and it had reached the stage when just when Mary thought she could no longer register her own pain Matthew's face would surreptitiously slip into her mind.

And then there it was; there was that all too familiar aching throb in her heart, it made her feel utterly helpless and Mary hated herself for it. She hadn't planned on falling in love with Matthew but before she knew it he had her entire heart and there was nothing she could do to get it back within her grasp.

The days seemed long and arduous and she dreaded the moment that the war did eventually come if this is how things felt now. It had been awfully tempting to visit Matthew in the days preceding the garden party but Mary had fought the lure of his company with every ounce of strength in her body that she was able to summon. On one occasion however just two days earlier she had found herself, without meaning to, just a mere few steps away from the door to Crawley House. It had been one of the more peculiar moments in her life; Mary had almost no recollection of her journey and she certainly didn't want to be where she had ended up.

She was a strong willed woman but over the past two weeks it had dawned on her that the prospect of war was terrifying. Her world had always seemed so perfect, so protected and now there was terror looming. Terror that threatened to destroy everything she had ever known. Mary knew deep down that the only thing that could offer her any sense of comfort at such a time was Matthew. The lump in her throat that she had managed to supress just moments before she got ready that morning was beginning to rise again. It was painful, sharp and hot while her eyes began to sting again with the salt water that was forming quickly in their corners.

Mary wanted so desperately to confide in someone about her troubles but she was too proud. Even when her darling Sybil had offered her a shoulder to cry on after the garden party Mary couldn't bring herself to confess her true fears. She had undoubtedly lost Matthew forever and had ruined her one chance at true happiness, and she couldn't face it herself let alone confess it to someone else. Instead she had sobbed an incomprehensible bunch of sentences into her sister's shoulder that resembled something along the lines of being afraid of the war.

With every sound that crossed the gravel of the driveway up to the house Mary would move to the window hoping that it would be Matthew come to visit. Every time she heard voices drifting in and out of the halls her ears would prick up and listen carefully hoping that _his_ voice was amongst them. But it never was his footsteps coming down the drive or his voice lingering nearby.

But the waiting was useless; he wasn't coming to Downton any time soon because she was there and she wondered for a moment whether he'd ventured into the village at all since their quarrel. Mary guessed that he hadn't, just in case they should happen to bump into each other.

She stood and smoothed down her skirt before she exited the room, ready for another day that was void of Matthew's presence. Mary had come to dread sunrise but welcome the sunset with open arms; even though sleep didn't mean her every thought wasn't consumed by the man in question she could still be content in dreaming until she woke and was confronted with the bleakness of her reality.

...

"I'm having tea with Cora up at the house this afternoon if you'd like to join me. It has been so long since you've visited and I know they miss you terribly…" Matthew played blissful ignorance and continued to read his newspaper "Matthew?"

He was very much aware that his mother was speaking to him but just like every other time she had tried to convince him to take a trip up to the Abbey since the garden party he pretended as though he could not hear her. Matthew had made the decision to leave everything about that house behind him and returning would only serve to destroy everything he had worked so painstakingly hard to build up over the past two weeks.

"Matthew Reginald Crawley!" Isobel sighed, snatching the paper from her son's grasp "I won't pretend to know what is going on in that mind of yours and perhaps it is none of my business but it's been almost two weeks since you've be…"

"No you're right mother it is _none_ of your business so do stop trying to make it otherwise!" Matthew's tongue was sharp and for as quickly as the words shot out of his mouth he recognised his mistake "Mother I…I had no right to be so harsh. I'm sorry."

Isobel recognised a certain flicker in her son's eyes, a glimpse of pain and deep regret, anger and heartache. She had not seen such emotion etched into his feature's since the day she had to tell a small young boy that his father had passed away. But there was something inherently different when she stared at him this time.

"My dear boy, is everything alright?"

For the most minute of moments Matthew considered divulging every intricate detail of his anguish to his mother but he refused to relent. For his mother was sure to either bombard him with reasons as to why he should fight for Mary or he'd be forced to sit through an arduous lecture on why this result was surely to be for the best. He knew either outcome would be by no means pleasant.

Matthew felt as though there were a thick fog sitting in his head; he couldn't think clearly and any kind of rational thought was almost impossible to see. He'd written a letter to his former employer in Manchester numerous times since his decision to return there but each time he had finished dabbing the ink onto the paper he would take it in his hand and destroy it. Sometimes he would tear it into tiny pieces, other times he would scrunch it up into a ball and throw it in the waste paper basket. On one occasion Matthew had even thrown it onto the open fire, watching as it quickly turned into nothing, much like his life seemed to have turned out, at least that was how he had come to see it.

He wanted to escape Downton with so much desperation that it felt as though someone had tied his stomach in knots, various painful little knots that were firm reminders of the fool he had let himself become. But Matthew was torn; for despite the fact that he wanted to run far from anywhere that held even the slightest reminder of Lady Mary he couldn't bear to be away from her.

"I'm going to take a walk in the village mother…"He mumbled; his voice downcast, eyes fixed on his feet

"Good. Perhaps some fresh air is just what you need," Isobel smiled at him, although she wasn't quite sure why. Identifying the cause of her son's dejected state may have been impossible but she could tell that no smile and certainly no walk were going to fix anything. Matthew's sadness seemed almost incurable "I'll give Robert and Cora your regards."

It would've been a lie, of course, because Matthew had made no mention of his relatives at all since the garden party. But Isobel felt it was her duty to maintain the friendliness; she knew that Robert adored her son as if he were his own and whatever the reason Matthew may have had for being completely despondent she didn't want him to jeopardise his future. Even if she didn't particularly agree with the ways in which those particular relatives lived their lives.

She watched him leave the house and meander along the path until he was out of her sight hoping that upon his return he would be happier than he had been in recent times.

...

The sun shone a warm glow as it sat amongst a cloudless sky and there was a soft breeze blowing gently through the trees, it brought a welcome relief from the stifling August heat and provided Mary with the perfect excuse to escape the Abbey's walls for another day. Despite his absence from the house, Matthew was still often the topic of conversation and Mary felt as though she may crumble if she were to listen to any of it a moment longer.

She was rather thankful that she had managed to leave the house without being subjected to questioning from her parents or sisters. Her frequent walks and excursions outside the house had not gone unnoticed; Mary was seldom in the company of anyone in the house, she left after breakfast and returned again in time to change for dinner. They'd all wondered, of course, questioned whether there was something troubling her. But every time someone would approach Mary with the hope of finding out what was the cause for her frequent absence from the house, she would brush the subject off swiftly.

Mary decided once again to venture into the village, Matthew was sure not to be there and she relished the opportunity to be as free from him as possible. The village, she thought, was sure to be the perfect distraction.

...

The village had been far busier than Matthew had anticipated; young men were there in their droves, posters adorned nearly every lamp post, shop window and wall and there was a cue of men that stretched nearly fifteen yards long from the doors of the town hall and down the path. Just what was going he couldn't quite see but the excitement that the men around him exuded were all too enticing and he found himself standing at the back of a group of them who were crowded together, what it was exactly that they were looking at Matthew couldn't quite tell.

"What do you think lads?" One of them asked

"My missus said her brother is goin', reckons I should go to." The man next to him replied

"I'm going to sign me 'self up right now." Another answered, followed by a chorus of agreeance from others within the small crowd. They all patted each other on the back and dispersed soon after allowing Matthew a closer look at what had gathered the men together, instead of craning his neck to get a glimpse.

Once the last of the men had moved away he took a step forward to see a shining new poster stuck up on the outside wall of the post office. The irony of the recruitment poster's words hit Matthew with a sting- _"Britain's Women say GO. Make your women proud." _How could he just sit by at his desk working the days away when men would be putting their lives on the line? The ache of guilt's slap was radiating across his face.

And then as it always did ever so surreptitiously Mary's face slipped into his mind. _Mary._ Would she have wanted him to go? Would she be wishing him good luck and waving him off at the train station? Would she smile and tell him to fight for his country after everything that had transpired between them? She had pushed him away, declined his proposal and broken his heart. _Damn Mary_, Matthew thought to himself. He wanted to get as far away from Downton as possible and he'd just found his ticket out.

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**a/n:** _And there is chapter two :) I hope you all liked it (even if it was significantly longer than chapter one). Just a quick note, the recruitment poster I mentioned is based on a real life poster that I found through my google searching for posters. However the poster I found wasn't created until 1915 so I just took a bit of creative licence and altered it so I could use it haha. So remember to leave a review and let me know what you think of it. :) ... till next time lovelies! :) xx  
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